Hello SUMMER, we meet again

   Time to go through old clothes, pass them down & get my oldest Krishen new shorts & shirts.. He turned 7 on the 23rd yay my big boy... he also passed to the second grade.
I'm hoping Nathan does good next year in school, as for Aj I finally got a maybe appointment for his CPSE meeting.. it will be in July, exact date unknown. At least I finally got in contact with someone who was kind enough to answer my questions.

 So the kids got sick again last week, it seems every & i mean every single time I take Aj outside, he gets a fever the next day. His fever was so bad that I took him & Nathan to the clinic.. the doctor just assumed(ass out of you and me) it was an ear infection. A trip to the park on a very nice HOT day caused an ear infection? Not him nor Nathan complained about their ears at all..

 So summer is officially here & I haven't a clue as to where to go or what to do.. I am having lots of problems with Aj's dad(Krishen &Nathans step dad) & on top of that my close friend,Rj is coming home soon & I am so hoping to see him. Umm Nothing else really going on, just more and more stress. I wanna go back to a time when life was calm.

Anyways that is all for now.. 

with Love 

I(3boy4mom)

umm.. friday??

        It's friday and yet its been another week and nothing from the Board of Education for Aj's meeting.. I don't know how long the meeting is suppose to take but geez its taking them FOREVER. I have been calling and calling and getting voice mails only..

 So I let my oldest Krishen stay home from school today because he claimed he did not feel well, turns out not feeling well for kids and not feeling well for adults is TOTALLY different. Plus I think his teachers are totally working him to death much. He doesn't want to do homework and he can careless about doing activities, but he does like reading more which is a big +.

I have not a clue what to do with them this summer, I haven't yet figured out anything about Aj... I do know he likes being home where there is tv, and he likes to play on my IPod.. I haven't really taken him anywhere,because from past experience he throws a huge tantrum and just goes berserk when we are places. So I choose to stay home and put up with him there.

Krishen's birthday is also coming up on Wednesday, he will be a whole 7 years old, he wants to go to the movies which is fine with me, since him and Nathan like the same thing. Toy Story. :)

Well its going to be another long weekend, and without my phone.. I'm seriously not a happy camper :(

anyways that is all for now
with love
I(3boys4mom)

Just an ordinary day.

  It's Saturday... and all I want to do is crawl back under my covers and pretend I didn't exist.. sometimes being a mom can be so hard. I always think why did I start so young? Why didn't I wait till I was just a little bit older??

 Then Aj hops into my bed and even though he doesn't care to speak, he still smiles and its like "GOOD MORNING MOMMY", I want my bottle and a diaper change. Then Krishen and Nathan come in and say their good mornings and start with the chattering. I love my boys so much.. They are my reason for waking up when I rather be dead asleep.

I go through lots of emotions.. I am just so uptight these days, and everything is bothering me. I guess I just need to breath and take it one day at a time. Well I still haven't heard from the Board of Education and I'm thinking maybe I should just call them myself, on Monday. I want the meeting to come already, I want to know what kind of services Aj will be receiving. I just want to start NOW!! Not in 2 or 3 months.

Well I did shopping today, I still cannot get Aj to eat much.. and it just bugs the crap out of me. I wish I could just read his mind, because at times I'm overwhelmed to the point where I want to cry. Literally just cry and \not stop until I have no more tears left.

I know there is more to life than what is going on right now. I'm just so stuck on trying to find a way, a reason..

that's all for now.
With Love
I(3boys4mom)

I'm still SURVIVING.

  Step One make it through the day. Step to fight back every emotion I can and go on with my day..
& then step Three get out of bed.

   Today only because I had no other choice, I took Aj outside. I don't normally take him anywhere for fear of what might happen. I might be too far from home and he has a major meltdown, or maybe I've forgotten his bottle, or special toy. Or maybe he see's the park and he's crying because he just wants to go on the swing.

While I love to take him to the park more than anything, this weather is ooh so crazy.. its hot then its COLD.. its raining then its windy. I have no idea what to do with my brats. My oldest is lucky in school, Aj and Nathan have to be home with me.. so that means watching mommy doing a lot of thinking and then some cleaning lol.

Well I am just taking these days one step at a time and hoping I do everything right. On another note I am still waiting for the CPSE meeting, I hope I get the paper soon, for I have so little patience when it comes to things having to do with my boys.

My Poem to Aj:
He is my love,he is my life..
My lil boy who doesn't say goodnight..
He smiles a lot,he's always content
His eyes melt my heart away.
I love him so,& sometimes I don't know if he feels dha same.
I don't know what going on in his mind or in both his world..
But I want him 2 know mommy's always there.
(AJ)♥

Tears

I take my time to mend my wounds, I smile and nod my head when asked if everything is fine. I tell him I love him & someday we will be just fine.. I sound like a person so lost in a place full of unseen love. I torture myself with thoughts of a life other than this. 

I am a mother of 3 boys who became my world. I had ended two pregnancies because I thought I wouldn't want to bring them into my world. I have a son who's autistic and I love his smile, his knowledge of knowing I'm here for awhile. I have a 7 yr old who brightens my life with the stories from school its amazing at times, & then i have a 6 yr old is art is so inspiring is makes me so happy... 

I am a mother a sister & a friend, someones enemy and ex and a girlfriend. someones lover someones crush and someones soon to be wife. I am broken and feel as though I'm losing site.I've lost my thoughts but I refuse to lose life. I have 2 paths 2 choices and one life. I want to live it but suddenly I've become so blind. 

I am confused and I am suffering, from sorrows of my own.. my demons I must face all on my own. I can never really say exactly how I feel.. For no one listens for those words I'm not saying.. 

No one See's the tears that form in my eyes.. No one understands the lies...  I cannot continue for I weep. I am shuddering I am broken & somehow unshaken... I finally realize this is not my life..

forgive me lord for the many times I have sin.. for the times i said i didn't believe.. for the choices I've made will make and the regrets I have deep inside.

&& Enough was said

                              I spend most of my days trying to please everyone.. My kids(a must),my mother, sometimes my brother... My Boyfriend.. && Others. But no one once thinks about what's really getting to me. I should just push them all away and continue on with my own life.

    Today I went food shopping, left the kids home with their dad, went to Family Dollar and bought some stuff for the house and then came home to start all over again. But its life and LIFE goes on.

A little later will be homework, bath time & then dinner time, maybe watch a show with the little ones and then get them off to bed. Then I have to clean because I forgot myself yesterday.

 I think that's all for now..

With Love I
(3boys4mom)

Happy Mother's Day

It is a typical day here.. woke up later than I should have.. 

had to deal with an annoying little girl with no respect. Uhgg I don't like children that aren't mines. I spent my time again talking to my mother and brother. He's asleep as usual. 

The kids are of course running around destroying the house. Tomorrow is gonna be hectic lots of phone calls and planning. Aj will be receiving Speech, OT & PT services.. So now I have to find a school before his meeting is set. 

I don't know exactly how to feel about my current situation.. I thought I had everything I wanted. Thought I planned my life out the right way. & Now I'm sitting here wondering if everything I did was a mistake. All the love and hopes and dreams I had died. 

No matter what I know I must continue. I have to go on.. for my boys are my life.. the biggest reason I am who I am today. 

Well as always nothing left to say 

With Love 

I(3boys4mom)



Argenis My very special friend